Now You Know…You CAN NOT Commit Suicide

Do I have your attention?  Great

 

I must warn you…This is definitely not about geese and golf carts.  It is definitely a much more HOT (Humble, Open, and Transparent) written “discussion”.  Why is it a “discussion”?  One…I am tired of the normal words like blog and post.  Two…I love to have open communication and I would like to think that as you read this, it feels as if you and I are in the room just chatting (Feel free to speak back…Literally you can leave me a voice note at the bottom of this page.).  Three…It is really a “discussion” that I have with myself as I sit and type out the words letter by letter.  I also must warn you that this “discussion” is going to touch on things that some may think are too taboo or considered “oh we shouldn’t talk about that.”  If this is not the “discussion” you’d like to be a part of…that’s ok. You do not have to keep reading beyond this point. I am currently in the business of throwing myself under the bus to save a life.  With that said, let’s carry on. 

 

So…where do I begin?  Let’s start with “why” the title that you saw in your subject line.  This may end up all over the place, but I promise it will make sense.

 

Well, that (the subject line) has honestly been a discussion that I have been having with myself this past month.  I have been having an internal discussion about “killing” my dreams and vision that have been embedded within my DNA.  Believe me…I have thought about not being alive a few times in the past.  And there are definitely moments when I am so drained that I literally ask God what does He want when He has the nerve to wake me up in the mornings…mainly on the days when life has carried over from the day before and I just want to throw my hands up. BUT the reality is, I firmly believe that God would always still have the last say so/the last laugh and keep me alive even at the attempt of me taking my own life…only because He is that powerful and would have something to “prove” within the purpose He designed me for. So do I really want to go through all of that? Not really, because I think I would be even madder that I attempted it for nothing.  This DOES NOT negate the subject matter of your free will when it comes to God.  There are just some things that I have been able to understand/believe God for/within when it comes to specific areas of my life.  My personal statemate also DOES NOT downplay any situation where someone has lost their life by suicide. 

 

Now that I think about it, I already tested God with suicide when I was a teen and had the joy of having to get my stomach pumped with what seemed like black cement (aka charcoal).  OH WOW…the things we don’t think about until we are in specific moments that end up being an “AHA moment” to remind you that there is a lesson in everything no matter how old you are…so now this discussion has another “route” as I think about that moment in my life. I will get back to all of that in a minute. 

 

I don’t know what the theme of the year is. TC Nation says it’s “HERE is Holy”, but so far the theme has been PRESSURE EB IN EVERY…EVERARY (Yes…EVERARY) AREA OF LIFE.  At least sometimes that’s what it feels like.  Now is that the theme every day?  Nooooooo! But you know how this goes.  It’s like we are disgruntled customers (at times) when we are always quick to leave a review because something didn’t go right versus leaving a review when everything is going great.  Don’t get me wrong…I am grateful.  BUT let’s be real.  When you are in the outer layer of the tornado funnel, you feel as if you are not going to survive.  You feel like everything that is in the path of the tornado is going to take you out completely.  And as much as you fight to break loose from the tornado…you are even more exhausted and hopeless.  Your only option is to let it spin out and pray you end up falling on a mattress after being flung around like a rag doll. 

 

 

So what does this have to do with the whole subject line?  I’m getting there.

 

Have you ever been in a place where you know you are doing what you have been called to do, but then there are other things that come up and make you wonder why you just haven’t taken the easy way out to be complacent while being forever stuck in life?  I HAVE…I have been in that place that has ultimately made me think about aborting everything that is in me and willing to accept the life that just seems less “adventurous”.  And as I thought about the process of how to “kill” everything and just sit in the corner for the rest of my life…that is when I heard “Now You Know…You CAN NOT Commit Suicide”.  Like it would be soooooo much EASIER to settle for the prize in the Cracker Jack Box instead of going after the prize that has much more value and longevity. Please know that this did not just come up in the area of business.  This was premeditation in the areas of business, a specific relationship, and I even made up categories that I could include…and they don’t even exist as an issue.  But isn’t that how we get when we are just through with everything?  We can find a way to get rid of the fish because it takes up too much space in its fishbowl when we are in those moments.

 

Let’s unpack this. 

 

Is everything in business going wrong? No.  Is everything within the specific relationship a hot mess? Nope.  And here is where you say…”EB…then what is the issue?”.  It may not necessarily be an issue.  It is just the mere fact that the 5% of what doesn’t seem to be going right is bigger than the rest of the pie that has the good parts still good enough to eat.  The 5% becomes so overbearing and causes things like fear, doubt, anxiety, depression (whatever word that comes to mind for you), and the only way out that makes sense (in the moment) is to just cut the airway of the 5%…but in doing so you end up killing the whole thing.  Are there solutions for the 5%? In my case yes…BUT at least 2.5% of the solutions taking place are definitely out of my control.  In doing what I can, within my leeway of 2.5%, sometimes feel as if it’s not adding any value or as if what I’m doing is not adding up/good enough.  You may be wondering who has control of the other 2.5%…in either situation that I’ve presented, I will just say “life” has control over the other 2.5%.  And I say it’s “life” because there are just some areas in life (people and things) that you cannot control and you just have to let things play out.  I can say, though, that even in the unknown outcomes of the other 2.5%, I have been able to truly take a moment to think about my worth and authentic desires.  I have been able to look at where I need to create the boundaries and also look at where I need to negotiate/compromise.  But it also comes to a point where the other 2.5% HAS TO be willing to meet you with your portion of the 2.5%.  If not, then something has to be “killed”.  Let me know if I’ve lost you with all of that. 

 

When I was a teen, I would have NEVER been able to tell you that my life would be where it is now.  It has definitely been a journey…BUT I ended up being a person that I could never imagine with confidence.  God always showed me glimpses of me helping people, but I didn’t know what that meant.  I remember He showed me a full campus and complex where I was helping teens and women.  And I remember Him showing that to me as I drove home from a job that I worked in downtown Tulsa…But even with that vision being so powerful, I still didn’t feel that my life needed to be “shared” with others.  I was in a space of not wanting to be in existence.  At the time, my dad was married to someone I COULDN’T stand. I was still living with him as I was getting ready to move into my own apartment at the age of 17.  There was a whole lot of other stuff going on. I was surely wracking up on my body count while having a goal to be in a serious relationship with someone who ended up with someone else. (If you don’t know what this means, just ask me and I will explain…I’m talking about the body count part).  One day, it was a day that I stayed in bed later than normal. (Yes, even as a teen I was ALWAYS not sleeping 8 hours). I didn’t want to be around my dad. I didn’t want to be bothered with his wife. My pager was going off with people trying to get me to come out. I was just done. I had a bottle of painkillers that a doctor prescribed to me a year previously and I swallowed them as if they were the latest flavor of skittles.

 

To spare you all of the in-betweens of my dad freaking out when he came to my room and found the empty pill bottle, the ambulance being called (I think that’s what happened next), and everything else I really don’t remember, I will fast forward to the part of me knowing that I was in the hospital with a tube the size of a fire hose (at least it felt like it) down my throat and deep enough to pump my stomach with charcoal.  From there it was projectile vomit as if I was a guest star in the latest sequel of Poltergeist.

 

So there you have it…I did try to kill myself and God had His way.  I ended up in therapy after that and that’s where I began to find my voice in so many ways.  Yes, I have always been the EB you know today…daring with ideas, straight to the point, not sugar coating anything, etc.  But even as a teen there were some things that I didn’t have a true voice in to be able to express how I feel, etc.  I was (in ways) dismissed and not truly heard.  Or I may have been “heard” but the time was not truly taken to understand me or truly get to know who I was.  And yes, even with my own father.  This is why today, true communication means a lot to me (besides my love languages of Quality Time and Acts of Service – I’m an even split between the 2).  Not the communication of emails and text messaging.  But communication of being able to chat, vibe, and exchange energy.  So please do not take offense if I don’t text you and send you a voice note instead…Which can be a delayed response because I like to make sure I am not “distracted” when responding with a voice note.  That is my way of extending intentional communication even without having an actual phone call.  

 

Oddly, the other times that I did think about being non-existent (even as an adult) that memory NEVER resurfaced.  Now that I say that out loud the other “aha” moment in this is that the “darkness” will ALWAYS do its best to suppress the victories that God has brought you through in the moments that you are ready to give up.

 

I guess it’s time to tie all of this back together or close the “loop” as some would say.

 

Let’s start with as much as we may feel as if we do not want to exist (Well those who admit they have these thoughts)…If we woke up today, that means God still has work to do through us for someone else. Once we accept that, then that gives an ounce of hope and reason for us to explore deeper what we are supposed to do.  I would dare to say don’t even think about the “how” as much because that is what throws us into a tornado spin.  Bills are due. We ask…How are they going to get paid?  When we may need to be asking ourselves…What else do we have in our hands that is a part of the solution to generate the money to pay the bills?  We think of the “how” and end up in the cycle of stress, becoming even more of a control freak (trying to be god in the situation) and everything else that uncertainty causes us to do and become. Things aren’t going right in a relationship.  We ask…When will things be better?  First off, when we are in tune with reality, we will always know that no relationship is perfect and every relationship cannot survive without true communication where voices can be heard, understood, etc.  Now, if you are dealing with someone who does not understand the “logic” of the communication side and everything else that comes with the relationship…this is where you have to make some decisions outside of you being “triggered”.  And I say that because even I will cut someone off (“kill” the relationship) if I feel that true communication cannot be achieved.  Is that the best thing to do?  At some point, you can only give so much and the other person has to be willing to meet you halfway.  This is in a business relationship.  This is in a personal relationship.  There are no exceptions.  BUT have we truly considered the process the relationship has to go through in order for it to be fruitful.  If it is purposed, then it would be fruitful, but even in purpose, there are growing pains.

 

Your 5% is never greater than the 95%.  But you do sometimes have to look at if the 5% is still a part of the purpose of the 95%.  When I look back at the time that I swallowed the pills, to me my 5% was really 95%.  Now that I am older, I can truly see the 5% for what it is for.  Is it always something easy to accept or go through? HECK NAW!!!!  Because sometimes that 5% becomes the tornado that has a grip on you so tight that you just give up and allow yourself to be swallowed.  At some point, we have to get grounded enough to where the strength of the tornado can’t make us flinch.  Is it possible? I’d like to think so because I am working towards that myself.  Does it happen overnight? Nope.  But you are in control (at least) to put things in place that can help you get there. (i.e. Therapy, a true Circle Group, setting boundaries, etc.).

 

Now for those who have been wanting to just literally die (I’m not going to try to find another way to say this)…that is something to not take lightly or to be dismissed.  By you or anyone else.  Find ways to express why and be able to process it.  Definitely, something that should not be tackled on your own.  If you can find your voice in the process, that is a huge victory in itself because that means you are willing to tackle the issues and allow yourself to get to the root of things.  And sometimes when you are in the thick of it…words just seem as if they will take more energy than breathing would.  Believe me, I’ve been there in my adult life.  Having feelings of such DOES NOT make you crazy.  Having feelings of such DOES NOT change your worth or value to this world.  Find people who you can call on…and if they don’t hear from you they know to genuinely check on you.  Seek the solutions that you need outside of your people circle.  I would never profess to be a doctor…although I may say some profound things (I really surprise myself at times).  BUT seriously seek out the professionals as you need to.

 

As I type this, I am reminded even more why I cannot commit “suicide” when it comes to what has been embedded in me to do – along with the journey I am to take.  Am I doing cartwheels as I type this? No.  It’s actually after 2 AM and I’m doing everything within me to focus on the “what” and not the “how”.  That’s in business.  That’s in my relationship.  That’s with the bills that are due. That’s even within my focus in the area of self-care (i.e. Boundaries, my standards, etc.).  Your areas of focus may be different, but that’s ok.  Be sure to focus on the “what” vs. the “how”.  And sometimes we need to step back and make sure the “whats” we bring to the table are not the cause of the 5% issues.  That’s a whole different post. 

 

Hopefully, all of this made sense to you, or you were able to gain your “aha moments”.  I’m sure there is so much more I can say, but if I do this will turn into a book.  As I stated in the beginning…this isn’t for everyone for more than one reason.  But if this was for you, know that you are not alone.  Know that your 5% is just the 5%.  Know that God is bigger than anything that we may be up against…Just as long as we allow Him to be.  Even when we try to play god in our lives, we cannot control the tornadoes in our lives.  

 

There are victories within the 95% that we hold…we just have to remind ourselves of those victories.